This is a new sort of post for this blog, one that I debated posting. It started with a note that I jotted down in my anxiety journal: I’m feeling anxious “that I’m not going to get anything out of this experience because my brain isn’t working enough to put things together”.
Now my first though reflecting on this is it is utterly ridiculous. I’ve already gotten so much out of this experience just being in this physical space, with these people–people I am ecstatic and honored to meet “in the flesh” as we’ve been saying. People I know and love from our time together on twitter, using hypothes.is, through Virtually Connecting. People I can now embrace, and who I will hold in my heart forever because they’ve helped make me who I am.
But beyond that, I am worried.
My brain has troubles; troubles related to the throes of Depression, and of whatever this yet unnamed condition(s) I have. I’ve used this analogy on my health blog, but it feels important to share it here as well:
For me, thinking has gone from putting together a puzzle- in full light, with all the pieces- to being trapped in a pitch-black room where puzzle pieces (from multiple puzzles!) have been tossed around the floor. And expecting, wanting, to still be able to put together a puzzle. It’s blind groping for little pieces that I hope to be able to fit together but can’t even tell if belong to the same picture, the same puzzle. I can’t even see all the edges. I just happen to find a piece or two, when I’m lucky; and when I’m really lucky, they fit together–even if the picture they make isn’t pretty.
And it’s frustrating.
And it’s disheartening.
And it’s debilitating.
And I sit here a DigPed, at this event I have a fellowship to attend, and I am terrified that I’m not going to leave here with a puzzle put together; not finished (never finished) but not even in some shape or emerging scene.
And that isn’t to say that I am not having the most fabulous time, that I’m not finding DigPed healing on a spiritual level, that I’m going to walk away from here with nothing.
But rather that I’m afraid I’m not living up to my potential. To what I could be getting out of such a fabulous gift such as this.
And my anxiety eats at me.
And I ask myself, if I do manage to fit some puzzle pieces together, what I can do with this when I leave?
With me as a recently graduated, part-time employee, looking for positions anywhere I can find them and feeling likely to end up in a corporate world- I’m feeling exceedingly on the margins. And I know its all of my own making (because everyone has been nothing but welcoming and inclusive), but still I struggle.